oh to be me, only slower
Defining yourself can be rather difficult. Most times when people introduce themselves or others they may include their job title or such. So, what happens if you don’t have a job or you don’t desire to be identified by something that isn’t you, but has control over you? What then?!
This is the exact feeling I have in my current stage of life. Even while writing this I don’t know what to call it. Am I a homemaker? That sounds too janitorial/Martha Stewart. Do I call myself a stay at home mom? Yikes that sounds frumpy and unattractive. It conjures up images in my mind of square I’ll-fitting shirts with floral prints, frizzed hair and skin that shines with a non madeup sheen. The eyes are sleep deprived and baggy that I’m sure have fine vision because they can catch every misdeed of a child any age, yet don’t have the luxury to gaze thoughtfully into a mirror. Yeah that suits me alright. I am part of that club.
Moms. We do it all and make it look easy. It sounds easy too, to those who haven’t been there. I am writing this while sitting in my rocking chair breastfeeding my four month old. I am in yoga pants (which my daughter calls yogurt pants–ironically enough that is probably a better suited name since these have never been worn for yoga-ing) and a nursing cami. I am adorned with smears of spitup, drool and boogers which I am not bothered by in the slightest. Sure it would be nice to change and clean myself up, but that all hinges on my son deciding when the boob buffet has satiated his appetite. And if he is calm enough afterward to allow me the time to attend to myself. Then of course there’s the likelihood I may decide that finishing up the vacuuming is a higher priority since the cord and upright are already wound through the house in mid-use. Alas, the well worn ensemble I have on is likely to stay for another half day at least.
Motherhood is the most esteemed and exclusive club that exists. Membership to Club 33 has nothing on being my babies’ mama. There is only 1 member allowed for their entire lifetime and I am just so fortunate enough to fill that slot. No one else can give them the nourishment, protection or guidance that can only come from their mom. That’s me. Proud to be of service whether it be for feedings, tubby time, teaching go-fish and proper manners or just being the shoulder they can slobber and cry on. It is rewarding to know I do it as only I can.
There are several roles I’ve filled in my life: full time student, full time student and employed without kids, full time student and employed with kids, employed with kids and now one whose ‘work’ is at home. Yes I worked 40+ hours a week and went to school full time. I worked and sacrificed so much for years that I feel I’m doing my education a disservice by not using it. There are so many jobs I can do out in the world and so many people who can do them. Only I can be my children’s mother though.
That’s what keeps me going. That’s my key phrase these days and it keeps me calm and centered. Instead of trying to beat the game of life by worrying and giving myself unreasonable expectations, I’ve learned to just be slower and stop and smell the proverbial roses….or the overflowing diaper pail.
…and my son has filled himself now so on to the task of putting him down without disturbing his slumber. If he stays asleep then shower it is, if he wakes up then into his bouncer he goes and I shall continue my well rehearsed tango with the vacuum.